Actually, red haired reporter wasn’t the only altercation I got into that day. I very rarely have any problems during these shoots but this piece just had trouble written on it from the start. Every now and than a player or reporter isn't that happy with me, but by and large everyone enjoys themselves. The first altercation didn’t air, because quite honestly it wasn’t funny it was just bizarre. Basically, I was having fun with all the players when I come upon this player named Vladimir Guerrero who plays right field for the Anaheim Angels.

Vladimir Guerrero

Vladimir only speaks spanish so he had an interpreter with him who happened to be a humongous guy. I didn’t really know what to ask him because quite honestly no one knows who he is. When it came my turn I was pretty proud of myself when I thought of something pretty creative, I asked, through his interpreter, "How does it feel knowing your interpreter is a thief?" the interpreter laughed heartily and interprets the question to Vladimir who laughs heartily as well. I thought I was a hero. But then, of course, Mr. Retarded Funny Boy has to push it one step further, "How does it feel knowing your interpreter likes men?" The minute it came out of my mouth I knew I had thrown a bad curve way off the plate because the interpreter started twitching like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee and turned a very scary reddish hue. It became obvious that if I didn’t walk away real fast the incredible pink Hulk was going to rip my neck off. One of the production assistants on the show tried to explain to the interpreter that I didn’t know him and didn’t mean to imply anything, it was simply a joke.

The incredible pink Hulk.

The guy was inconsolable though, why this bothered him so much is beyond me. Vladimir meanwhile, who doesn't speak English is still smiling trying to figure out what's going on. The interpreter said something to him which upset Vladimir as well, I don't know what he said, probably told him I said something like "Spanish players kill chickens in the dugout" because now Vladimir and his interpreter both looked like they wanted to shove a bat up my ass. That's when I decided to make like a tree and run! In hindsight it was funny but it’s real weird when someone reacts so violently to a question that is really just silly. The interpreter was so upset he actually called the head of MLB and complained about me, like a 10 year old. I don’t know what he said, I just picture a grown man yelling "He said I was gay, he said I was gay!" Anyway, I decided instead to use those questions on Hideki Matsui and his interpreter who as one would expect both laughed and had a great time with it. Just goes to show, what one person thinks is hysterical can drive another person crazy, you never can tell, that’s why it’s pointless in life to try and make everyone happy, it’s impossible.

Which now leads me to the "Attack of the red haired reporter." As far as I'm concerned this guy was in a league of his own when it comes to being pathetic. The majority of the sports reporters I run into at these events are real good guys who enjoy and appreciate the fact that they make a living basically watching sports. I’ve had so many of them come up to me at the events laughing and say it’s fun to see someone asking the athletes different questions. Players have told me on numerous occasions it’s refreshing to not have to answer the same old things over and over. Some reporters however, are frustrated athletes who are upset and kind of hate the players. They resent that they’re not the ones getting all the attention.

Alex Rodriguez looks on concerned as Mitch is violently attacked by the bad red man.

It’s a minority of reporters, but they do exist and you can see it in their eyes. Having said that, here’s what went down. I was asking my usual patented dumb questions when we got up to Alex Rodriguez (the richest player in baseball coincidentally). He immediately struck me as one of the really serious guys. Other players like Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez are just real fun and love laughing and having a good time, they’re the kind of guys you really root for. Manny even started banging the table he was laughing so hard when I spoke to him (click here). Anyway, right before I asked Alex my question what wasn’t on air is that Red haired reporter who was standing on my right had just finished asking Alex a long winded question that seemed to go on for an eternity. He even stuttered at one point and just seemed very nervous. After he finished asking this pointless question Alex looked at him and basically said "Huh?" and blew him off big time. It was really funny. Then I stepped up and asked one of my serious probing questions, "How has moving to third base affected your sex life?" he laughed, gave an innocuous answer and then blew me off as well . Suddenly red haired reporter who was seething due to his earlier failure turned to me and said one of the more bizarre things I've heard, "We’re working here." Is that the most classic Dad line? I responded with "Oh, and I'm just using this for my personal collection?"

The reporter from hell laughs in the background, giving Mitch a false sense of security. Minutes later this red haired demon will attack Mitch with little warning.

What kind of moron would say something that stupid? I’m there filming for the Tonight Show which has 6 million viewers per night, he’s asking a question into a shitty tape recorder for some free paper no one probably even reads, but somehow he’s the one working! So I, trying to offer him constructive criticism, mention that his questions were boring. That was the final straw. First being dissed by Alex Rodriguez then by comedian Mitch Fatel was just way more than he could handle and in one of the funniest moments I've seen he just basically unraveled live on TV. It's so scary it's hysterical. If you look at his eyes they look to me like they're actually possessed. Whats even weirder is if you watch the piece you can see "red haired reporter" actually laughing earlier in the day while I’m interviewing Cincinnati Reds pitcher Danny Graves (another one of the great guys by the way). Someone wrote me and said I should have punched the guy which I think would have been very stupid.

Those eyes! They haunt me in my sleep!

All that would have done is get us both kicked out of the press conference and we could have had our footage confiscated. Sometimes the best revenge is letting the person hang himself. Can you just imagine what his friends and family must have thought when they saw that sick maniacal look in his eyes. He looked like a mental patient in front of 6 million viewers, how much sweeter can it get? I always tell comics whenever you get heckled at a show if you show the audience that the guy got to you, then he has won. The key is to always act like you could care less. The minute you show them they are important enough to matter to you, they have won.

Now on to a few more pleasant matters. First was my meeting the future Mrs. Fatel, Halle Berry. I know this may sound crazy to those of you out there who don’t know what love is but I think we are the first hollywood couple that’s going to make it.

Halle and Mitch. All we ask is that the paparazzi respect our privacy.

Who can deny we make a great couple? We’re going to be so happy together, I can see it now, we’ll both come home after hard days at work, her shooting movies, me fighting with reporters, she'll be like "Honey can you please unhook my bra so my massive breasts can rest a bit" and I’d be like "Oh Halle, we’re so happy together, lets make love right here on our bear skin rug and then make some Velveeta Cheese and Macaroni" Anyway, I really think Halle digs me. I mean you’d be surprised what having a sense of humor does for you. As Halle was walking out of her dressing room at the Tonight Show she saw me and said "You’re so funny!" I was like "Wow, really can we get a picture" and boom suddenly Halle and me are locked in an embrace that I will remember forever. I got the jungle fever real bad, I can’t stop thinking about how thin she was and those big beautiful....eyes. She even told me she wanted me to send her a CD, which leads me to my final order of business..which is, "they'reeee heeere!"

The CD is HERE! Place your order and it will be shipped the next business day via 1st class mail. Listen to these RealAudio samples from the CD: Shower In High School Easy Girls Doggystyle (High Speed required)

Today Web boy received delivery of 3000 CD's ready to send out to all my fans who pre-ordered. Of course in the last journal I mentioned it was released for pre-order and I have to say I didn’t really expect many people to order it on advance but it sold way more than I expected. I was pretty impressed with myself. So anyway, look for it to be delivered this week. And if you were waiting for it to become available for immediate shipping than today is your lucky day. Just click on the CD cover to go to the store page. It's at a really cheap price now but it will be going up in a few weeks. I wanted to put it out cheaper for the first few weeks so that all my mailing list fans would get a good deal so jump on that shit now! Oh also, Red haired reporter, make sure to send me your address so I can send you a free copy. I won't however have time to send you a signed picture, I'm way to busy for that, sorry but I'm working here!

Bye everyone.