Now, unfortunately I have to give you some heartbreaking news. Take a deep breath, I’m sad to say that this weeks journal marks the end of an era. As you know for the last 30 years I’ve been giving you a journal twice a month. This tradition, I am aware, is a very big part of American life. Don’t think I don’t know that families around the country sit around their computer and read the journal aloud. However, due to circumstances beyond my control I regret to inform you that starting this month this bi- monthly journal will be changing to a monthly journal. It's so hard writing these words knowing how much pain it's going to cause so many people but I just don’t have the time. To be totally honest it’s kind of been a monthly lately anyway. I mean lets admit it, we’ve all been in a bit of denial the last few months making believe, but we all knew it was coming.

Click picture for thong close up.

It’s just that no matter how hard I try I never have the time to do it twice. I try to write just a fast one but I inevitably wind up spending about a week on these stupid things and that’s just to much time. My problem is I just love to read a great journal and so I always get carried away adding in pictures of thongs and before I know it I’ve spent 40 hours putting the darn tootin thing together. Man, I’ve always wanted to say "darn tootin" and I gotta tell you it feels great, even better than I would have imagined. I’m actually going to try to use it twice, how about that? That would be some achievement, to actually use “darn tootin ” twice in a journal. Anyway, I hope you guys still like me and visit for my monthly, and I promise you that one will always be on time.

Now that we have that ugliness out of the way we can move forward onto fun stuff. I will never ever get sick of some of the great e-mails I receive. Just when I think they can’t get any better I get this one:

MITCH!!!!

Listen you need to come to the montreal ''just for laughs" festival this summer 2004!!!!!!! You are too good to be excluded from this season......come on...and plus, montreal makes killer blueberry muffins and is internationally known for its killer girls!!! Smokin' hot!!! (my girlfriend being one of them)don't disappoint your fans in montreal...come this summer 2004! Announce it on jay leno that you want to come to montreal for the festival, they will Definitely invite you after that!!! thanks funny man!!

Nayshawn

PS: I am a lesbian

Does that just say it all? “Thanks funny man, I am a lesbian” How hot is that? Bravo. I implore all lesbians to please come forward and write me whenever you feel the need.

Calling all lesbians, write Mitch immediately!

I am a great friend to the lesbian community and look forward to sitting side by side with you to figure out how I can better serve you. I wrote back requesting a picture of Nayshawn and her smoking girlfriend but I never received anything and so have had to settle with just masturbating to her name. If you’re reading this Nayshawn come on, let’s get that picture, I’m sure all my fans would love to get to know the Fatel lesbians better! Speaking of gay, I have a tight butt, at least that’s what my proctologist says, I know that sounds like a terrible joke but seriously this week I had to go to a proctologist for, well I just had to go okay, and the guy is like, “I’m going to check your prostate” and I was like “Go for it dude”. It didn’t hit me that whatever the hell my prostate is it’s located somewhere in my ass because before I knew it, boom I have a guys finger in my

This man had his finger in my ass!

once virginal anus. If that’s not humiliating enough I swear to god he actually said, “You’re really tight”. Isn't that sexual harrasment or something? I had no idea how to respond, “Thanks, I guess”. You know, no matter how bad my life gets, no matter how bad I’m bombing in some club, at least I never have to stick my fingers in peoples asses, that’s just, that’s not a successful life. Anyway I don’t know what he felt up there but apparently he liked it because he’s told me I had a healthy prostate. I don’t know what to do with that information, it's not something you can really brag about. "Hey sweetheart, wanna come back to my place and check out my healthy prostate?" I don’t even know what a prostate looks like but mine is apparently aces! As far as being tight, I don’t really know what to do with that information except know that I would be quite the catch if I swung that way. Sorry to tease you boys but I’m just a real big fan of the vagina. I don’t foresee me ever getting bored with it, but if I do I guess I’ll post it and you guys can just send me resumes or something.

In other news, I have a pretty busy July ahead of me. I hope it pays off. My first stop is this week to Houston where I'm going to be covering the Major League Baseball All Star Game for The Tonight Show, this is one of those really cool things that come along with being a comic. I’m a huge baseball fan so this should be really fun. I have to be honest though, it could blow because I don’t know if baseball players have the best sense of humor. I once did something with the California Angels and it was just "okay". It’s also going to be teeming with media and only a limited amount of “All Stars” so I do have my work cut out for me. I loved playing baseball as a kid but unfortunately my father wasn’t into sports so he never really practiced with me or anything. My Dad and I actually never did much. The only thing I can ever remember doing with him was making Salami Omelets. I know that sounds weird but it seemed normal to me as a kid. He loved it and so since I was his son I made myself love it too. It wasn't even a regular event either, it's just every now and than my Mom would sleep in and we would make a Salami Omelet while she slept. Other fathers hunted with their sons, played baseball, fished, I made eggs with mine. It’s a wonder I’m not President of the United States coming from such a rich and cultured childhood. I do have to say though, although it sounds gross they were incredibly tasty. He really knew how to make them good. Dad if you're reading this send me your recipe and I'll post it. In fact, I think I'll go try and make one right now. I'm sure it won't be as good as Dad used to make but I'll give it my best shot, you can be darn tootin sure of that.