| say something funny|
Onion: What is funny?
Mitch Fatel: No matter how old I get, seeing a girl's
breasts is still just as thrilling as it was when I was 13. I have
always had a fascination with women.
At a very young age, I realized that I was more comfortable
playing with them than I was with boys. During recess, while the
others played dodgeball and red rover, I played house with the
girls. Back in class, I would find myself confused as the dodgeball
boys told me I was gay for playing with girls. They spent recess
throwing big red balls at each other's faces while I was getting to
second base with my "wives," but somehow I was the gay one.
I do have to concede that, growing up, I did have a more feminine
side than most boys. To this day, I cry more than any guy I know. I
wish I could say it was at profound stuff like global warming or
Hillary Clinton's voice, but the truth is that Titanic left
me wrecked for days.
Also, unlike other men, I've yet to jump on the big lesbian
bandwagon that everybody seems to adore lately. For reasons beyond
me, lesbianism has somehow attained holy proportions. Honestly, it
just doesn't turn me on that much. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd
much rather see someone from my own team scoring a touchdown.
Plus, should we really be encouraging behavior that sells us as
expendable? Guys: Wake up. Once women realize they can have an
orgasm and then talk about shoes, we're history.
Answer submitted via e-mail. Mitch Fatel is a stand-up comic and
a correspondent for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. His new
CD, Miniskirts And Muffins, is available at http://www.mitchfatel.com/.