Have you ever taken Viagra?
I don't need it. I get hard seeing an old lady with cleavage bending down in the supermarket. It's sad. I get hard at funerals staring at all the women in black stockings. I'm hard now.
Do you think women should have sex on the first date?
I don't mind waiting, but could you at least give us a target date? ITs that sickening uncertainty that kills me.
Have you ever done the "two minute drill" before a show?
Just recently I asked this girl to "take care of Mitchie" before I went onstage. Honestly, I didn't like it. After sex, my knees shake for about a day, so right afterward I was a wreck.
Who are the hottest NFL chearleaders?
Any who will sleep with me.
What's the best thing about being famous?
Girls let me do fun stuff to their butts that they didn't before. Girls send me fan mail and sometimes naked pictures. Speaking of which, send in those pictures ladies, mitchfatel.com.
What's the most women you've been with at one time?
Only one. I don't know if I could handle more than one girl. The vagina has so many parts as is. If you double that, I just don't know if I would be able to do a job I was proud of.
What's the best pickup line a woman has ever used on you?
What's the dumbest question you've ever asked an athlete?
I asked Raider's quarterback Rich Ganon if it was true that quarterbacks get laid more than other players. He looked at me like I was from Mars.
Have you ever had your ass kicked by a football player?
Who was the most surprising person to recognize you?
That's an easy one. I got a call from Joe Pesci. He said, "Hi this is Joe Pesci. I think your really funny." Of course I figured it was one of my friends being stupid. I was like "Funny how?" He started talking, and suddenly it dawned on me, holy shit, this is really Joe Pesci. He saw me on The Tonight Show and called to tell me he was a fan. Easily my best compliment ever.
If you were granted three hours with one woman, whom would you pick and what would you do with her?
Anna Nicole Smith, and it would involve her breasts. Throw in Judge Judy playing with my nipples, and I can die happy!
Name one TV show that needs to be taken off the air?
I think everything needs to be taken off the air and replaced with South Park.
Is there any joke you regret using?
Any that didn't get a laugh; I still feel like I've gotten the wind knocked out of me when a joke dies. My favorite joke that never gets a laugh: "I did a benefit for burn victims. It was really hard. Every time I said something funny, they were like 'Ouch, don't make me laugh.'" I'm sorry, but I still think that's funny.
Ever been slapped by a woman?
Never. One of the benefits of being a cutie-pie.
What's been the most unusual place you've ever had sex?
I lost my virginity on my mom's bed.
Name one person to whom you'd love to say, "I told you so."
Every girl I have ever had sex with who, after the sixth time, said, "There's no way you can get another erection."
What was your worst date experience?
I went on a date with a very cute girl. I started smelling body odor and assumed it was the busboy. It wasn't the busboy, and it wasn't just bad, it was offensive. I got laid.
What is the worst thing a woman has said to you in bed?
"Don't come in my mouth."
What was the dumbest thing you ever said to a woman?
"Can I come in your mouth?"
Have you ever been with a woman who was a ten at 2 A.M. and a two at 10 A.M.
I don't drink, don't do drugs, ,don't smoke, and don't eat fried foods. I am the most boring human being alive today. I get excited staying in watching movies and ordering Chinese food. I could do that every night for the rest of my life and... wait, I do do that every night.
You can learn more about Mitch Fatel at www.mitchfatel.com