 My favorite snack was a Twinkie.
Man I loved those Twinkies. That was kiddie crack to me.
If another kid had a Twinkie any civility would go out the window and I'd be
like "Yo bitch, give up the pastry". By the way, I don't want all you Devil
Dog fans writing me crying about how much better the Devil Dog is. I'm so
sick of your tired arguments. I always find it suspect that Devil Dog fans
constantly feel the need to spout off about the superiority of the Devil Dog
while us Twinkie fans are content to just enjoy our delicacy in peace with
little fanfare. I will admit on occasion I have visited the devil and
afterwards always felt degraded and ashamed. I see the Devil Dog as the lazy mans
snack. There's no subtlety, it's just all there for everyone to see, cream
filling unabashedly seeping out the sides. I can still see all those
uneducated brutes pulling the helpless dog apart at the seams and greedily
licking up their sugary reward,  leaving devastation and half licked
chocolate carcasses strewn throughout the lunchroom. Twinkies on the other
hand, though subtle to the eye, pack quite a surprising and intense wallop.
They are truly made for the connoisseur of pastries. I do want to be clear
that I in no way begrudge you the right to eat your Devil Dogs. I would die
for you to have that right. However, in return, I ask that you please do it in
private where the more refined like myself don't have to bear witness to
your vulgarity. One thing at least we can all agree on is that Hostess Apple Pie fans
can eat shit and die!
Now, onto less important matters. I've been waiting a pretty long time to do another Stand up spot on the Tonight show.  Since I've been doing so much
correspondent work for them they keep putting off the stand up. I love doing
the correspondent work but I have such a great stand up set ready to go and
I'm dying to get it on the air already. Anyway, in the meanwhile I'm going
to do another Carson Daly set. I love doing the Carson show since it's so
late at night and they basically let me do anything I want. The audience is so young on that show. It's like performing at your sisters sweet 16. Which by
the way, I am available for (prices vary, be sure to ask about our pool
party discounts.) The Carson spot is going to be in June,
which is good because school is over so his audience will be able to stay up
for it. I'm going to unveil my new nipple joke, which the Tonight show would
never allow, so that will be a landmark moment in television, be sure to
watch.
One more point of business. In my last journal I wrote of the movie The Ring with Naomi Watts. As I stated, I think it's one of the best horror films I've ever seen. It really freaked me out. I recently found out that it's a remake of a 1998 Japanese film called Ringu.  My best friend
Bluefish coincidentally had rented Ringu and invited me and the beautiful
18 year old Heather (thank you, thank you very much) to view it with him and
his wife. They, unlike 18 year old Heather and I, had not seen The Ring
(English version). After viewing Ringu I can sum it up in one word,
"Reallyshittystupidfilm". 18 year old Heather agreed and we implored them
to see The Ring touting it's superiority. They followed our
directions and the very next day watched The Ring. However, shock of all
shocks, Bluefish and his wife chose this opportunity to try and prove their
superiority to 18 year old Heather and myself by hanging on to some sick
belief that Ringu in it's simplicity was, in fact, the better film. I
don't even know where this kind of sickness begins but I urge you to avoid
this disease of the mind. Not only are these two films not comparable but to
even suggest that the stiff acting, bad camerawork and inferior effects of
Ringu can even be mentioned in the same breath as The Ring shakes the very
foundation of good taste. Please send your opinions, which will be
forwarded onto Bluefish. I do urge you to please see The Ring first
because the way these films are, the second one you see will always lack, as
you will be prepared in advance for the freakish scenes. In the interest of fairness I
will now give Bluefish a chance for rebuttal:
What the hell was that? Someone wake me. Can you say "pretentious" (don't worry Bluefish I'll tell you what that word means later). How about that slam about me liking American films better? I'm shocked to find out my best friend is a commie! Hey Bluefish if you don't like this country why don't you go back to Africa where you came from! USA..USA..USA! Folks, all I can say is trust me on this one. Bluefish, who I've known since I was 10, never had many friends and basically rode my coattails throughout school. Now he's trying to prove he can stand on his own and all he's going to wind up doing is taking you down along with himself. He cannot be trusted. Bye everyone. Have a great couple of weeks, if you are in Minnesota this week try and come out and tape my CD with me this week at Acme comedy club. I love meeting everyone and taking pictures! mitch SUBSCRIBE |
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