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February 20th, 2007
This is getting so friggin exciting!!! We're getting closer and closer to my comedy central
special.
Friday, April 6th is the big night, exactly 43 days from the day I'm writing this. It's amazing
to know that in 43 days
the world will never be the same. It's kind of that feeling right before you're about to get
sex, just as the
girl is letting you pull down her panties. I wonder if girls ever have that feeling or have
any idea
the magical feeling that is. I know girls don't get the same feeling when they take off our
underwear. I would assume that feeling would be more like when you eat a bad piece of
sushi.
I think girls get that magical feeling but from different stuff. Like making out. I know girls
go crazy for just making out. I don't get it but they can kiss for hours and hours and not
do anything else. If you ever want to make a girl happy just make out with her for like a
half hour and she will love your ass. Anyway, I
digress, as I was saying,
in 43 days Super Retardo decends on an unknowing America who don't realize life will
cease to exist as we know it. Scientists have even predicted my special will put an end to
world hunger and poverty. One guy, I think his name is Gus, said after my special it will
rain candy canes for 5 days and nights.
I really shouldn't talk, I didn't see it yet, I just performed it and everyone who saw it tells
me it was one of my
better shows so I'm so nervous to see how it looks. I never really know how I do on
stage. I kinda know if I
did good because I don't feel nauseous. The really bad shows I definitely know
because I feel like I'm going
to die afterwards. I've had shows that were so bad I would literally lay in the
fetal position for hours
afterwards. The fact that I was doing this on the stage was really hard on the
cleaning crew. I remember two
really horrific shows in particular. One didn't really count because it was a small club in
Hartford Connecticut
so no one ever saw it, it was notable however because it was when I was first starting out
and I was opening for
Jay Mohr and I friggin ate it.
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Jay Mohr
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The second bomb did unfortunately "count" since it was in front
of millions of people on the David Letterman show. Luckily it was many years ago so no
one remembers it now but
back then I thought I would never work again. It was actually my second time
on the show, they were having
me back because I killed the first time. The reason I bombed though was for two reasons,
one was because I'm a
nutjob (you'll see) and the second was because they were nutjobs (you'll see). Most people
who meet me sooner or later
realize I'm really a bit insane, not shave your head and marry a loser
rapper insane, but insane
in a "That boy is insane" cute kind of way. How insane? The reason I bombed was I hated
how my hair looked. Let me explain. As many girlfriends have told me in the past no one
can ever tell my hair is any different
length since I keep it
pretty short. However, I like it exactly when it's one length. From the 2nd day of my
haircut to
the 6th, are my good hair days.
Whenever I've had really stellar shows my haircut has fallen in-between one of those hair
days. So whenever I have
a big show I make sure to go to hairdresser extraordinaire, Bushi Yoshimora, two days
before
the event so it falls on an optimum hair day.
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Bushi Bushi Bushi
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Whenever I've had amazing shows and people compliment me I always say, "it's all in the
hair" and they think I'm joking
but it's absolutely true. Well nightmare of all nightmares, Bushi had gone on vacation
when the Letterman show called for
me to do a spot. Rather than say "No", which would have been really nutty. I decided to do
it and that turned out to be a
tragedy on the scale of 9/11. Now to make matters even worse and to ensure a bomb of
epic proportions the Letterman show
insisted I wear a suit jacket. I never wear jackets, even to funerals. I'm only 5'5 and when
short guys wear suits, no matter how old they are it looks like their Mommy dressed
them for picture day.
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15 YEAR OLD MITCH IN A SUIT JACKET,
THIS ISN'T GOING TO HELP ANYONE
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I fought and begged them to not force me to wear a suit but they were
idiots about it and never gave an
inch. For some bizarre reason this was important to Dave. I actually fought with them
saying "If Pearl Jam is on you
don't make them wear suits because it would look stupid, so why aren't comics given the
same respect?" Finally they threatened to pull the spot if I didn't play ball.
Looking back, I should have just given up the spot because
consequently it sucked ass and no one was happy!
That proves that if you give in on something that's important to you it doesn't work
anyway so always stick to what
you believe.
So there I am minutes before I'm about to go on in this big ugly suit
jacket and then I looked in the mirror and saw my Day 11 haircut and boom
I started having a panic attack
minutes before I was supposed to go on National TV. I actually had to go into the
staircase minutes before my spot to talk myself down. I thought I wouldn't remember
any of my jokes and I would just shit and vomit live on stage.I just felt so ugly and
uncomfortable which is the worst thing to feel before millions of people will see you. I
promised myself in the staircase
that I would get myself through it. I kept chanting to myself like a madman "You can do
this, you can do this"
I don't remember much after that, I heard Dave say my name, I walked out and somehow
managed to say the words to my jokes and I got through it. That's all I did though, was
"get through it" I don't think I really "bombed" but it was not something that made anyone
feel good about the world.
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No claps on Letterman is worse than this clap.
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When I have the balls to put in the tape years later I still hear
a laugh or two from the audience but by and large it was just a train wreck.
The moral of the story. Never do anything if it feels wrong. Whenever I've done something
and ignored that little voice in my head telling me not to I've regretted it or gotten
Chylamidia. Actually the girl I got it from was so hot I think I would do it again, a little
burn while you pee is worth a hot girl every now and than, so forget the whole moral thing
and just watch my special on April 6th when my hair looked perfect and I didn't have to
wear a suit jacket. God bless you Comedy Central!
Okay, that's Mitch's Journal for February 2007. I hope you enjoyed it. I do want to make
mention of 3 Mitch Movies I would
recommend that blew me away.
First is The Machinist with Christian Bale was just one of those cool Memento films that
keep
you on the edge of your seat trying to figure out what the hell is going on and my other
great movie is Flight 93 which
left me speechless. Those Terrorists are crazy yo! That really would have been a better title.
Also check out "The Prestige"
and if you see any of those films please send me pics of you watching them in your pajamas (only if you're
a girl) If you're a guy then send a picture of you watching it with your girlfriend in her pajama's. If you don't have a girlfriend...send a picture of your sister. If
you don't have a sister send a picture of your hot cousin in her pajama's. If you don't have a hot cousin I don't want you in my life. I'll post the best pics in my
next journal..
Mitch
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